“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
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My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
The first one, obviously
Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*
Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”
7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”
Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”
7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”
[At a restaurant]
Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.
Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.
Me: Those don’t come with fries.
Husband: I know.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!
Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.