Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
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I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
Breaking news:
Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
superman landing like a plane on his belly
FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.
twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
Final Destination ruined two of my favorite things. Rollercoasters and sharing the road with log hauling trucks.
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.