Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
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“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
*orders delivery*
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
The horror of being warned that the person you’re about to meet is “fine once you get to know them”
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
Bought a gas station breakfast burrito and the cashier said “ good luck”
~ now I’m scared
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
Gotta say, as a Canadian, watching this season of America has been absolutely riveting. Kudos to the writers.
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.