Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.

Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”

Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”

I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.

Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn

If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”

My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.

So. Yeah.

All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.

I’d rather go liquor treating.

*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”

*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”

Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.

me: I think some people are birds in disguise

friend: lol can I tweet that

me: *narrows eyes* can you what

Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.

Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.

*During sex*

Him: come on baby, moan for me….

Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?

crush: i really like music

me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*

I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.

Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.

San Francisco has too many rules

94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down

Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.

I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.

Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.

Jeff: i’m pro gun.

Me: i’m anti gun.

Greg: i’m vegan.

Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.

I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.

putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit

I. FORGOT.

I. FORGOT.

Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.

her: well don’t just stand there, say something

me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross

her: i said i’m pregnant matt

me: his hair could be the brush part

Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.

And that’s just in one mall.

Going down a rabbit hole if anyone wants anything

“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset

“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy