Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?

Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.

Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.

how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider

I’ve started using “good gravy” around the house as an exclamation, and guys, it’s going great.

Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.

Neighbor: Nice. I got-

Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything

If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge

10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.

CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?

Me: Game of Prawns 🍤

I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair

A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster

‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby

Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”

I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.

god: u can eat things twice ur size

snake: ok but how

god: go like 😮

snake:

god: then u just kinda :O

It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.

If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price

“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”

I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.

Before you unsubscribe from our emails, would you mind taking a moment to fill out a short, 200 question survey about why you are unsubscribing?

Steven: I love you

Stephen: I lophe you too

I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding… Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with
“Welcome back everyone”

Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket

So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:

6lb11oz!

Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.

My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.

“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.

Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?

A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong

I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.

As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.

He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.

I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.