Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
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i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.
Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:
HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
[guy next to me at urinal]
“Is that a 5 or 6?”
…about 5-1/2 I guess.
“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”
*zips up* No.
Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza