Important reminders
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I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
they used to be called swing states. now they’re called battleground states. just another example of our sex-negative culture
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
As per my last nervous breakdown
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
volunteer in charge: we are gonna walk around and search for clues about the missing girl.
guy who just bought a new fly fishing rod: we should check the lake first
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
when there are deer in the woods
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement