Important reminders
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Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars 😭
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
Dog: I HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM TAKE ME OUTSIDE I HAVE TO GO OUTSIDE NOW TAKE ME OUTSIDE I HAVE TO GO SO BAD
Me: omg okay
[45 minutes into our walk]
Me: OMG GO TO THE BATHROOM
Dog: none of these spots meet my strict criteria
I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*