Important Valentine’s Day PSA:
Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.
Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!
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My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
1: Can I do the cancan?
2: You mean may, not can
1: Can I do the canmay?
2: No, the first can
1: Can I do the maycan?
2: No. May I do the cancan
1: No
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
I know a bad idea when I see one.
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry
“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”