Important Valentine’s Day PSA:
Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.
Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!
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waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.
I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
Your 20s are for fucking up & figuring yourself out. Except for me, who should have had every single minute detail of my future plans set in stone the second I stopped being a teenager.
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
Pajamas are so cute. Like, let me go put on a little outfit to be unconscious.
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.