Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.

Also me: Yes, I can see that.

I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.

Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!

Him: I’m breaking up with you

Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?

Him: yes

Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay

Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!

Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start

“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random

“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”

Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?

[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.

There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.

Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.

“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”

Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.

Friend: *texting* come out tonight

Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there

I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.

What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?

Wishful thinking. Obviously

I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.

How can you tell when a duck is a witch?

T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6

“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.

me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda

Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.

wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix

Welcome to your 40s.

If you don’t have a back pain, one will be assigned to you.

“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes

Buying my parents’ house.

Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…

I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.

wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father

me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that

American voters doing the deep research today before voting.

I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event

“stop hiding behind your goons and fight me one on one” look buddy we all have the same number of hours in a day, it’s not my fault you didn’t spend any time cultivating a corps of loyal goons