Impossible to find a better word than hyperbole.
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*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.
Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
I didn’t realize that was an option
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
I like to think of myself as an onion. Peel back the many layers and deep down inside you’ll find a smaller, more anxious onion.
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
A nutritionally complete chocolate milkshake-like substance should be piped into every home at the municipal level. You could still cook or go out for fun, but if you were feeling lazy, or you were impoverished, you could simply consume The City Meal directly from the tap.
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
Them: The tables have turned
Me: HOW CAN YOU TELL, THEY ARE CIRCLES
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
