Impossible to find a better word than hyperbole.
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RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
The worst part of all-you-can-eat buffets are all the witnesses
Happy birthday to actor Sam Elliot, who turns 80 today, and to his mustache, who turns 79.
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
Watching the news and they keep referring to the “late president Carter.” Let’s cut the guy some slack, how do you expect him to get anywhere on time? He’s dead!!
My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
My church trusts me to collect and count the offering but not to pick up the donuts and that’s fair.
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
You miss 100% of the curbs you don’t take.
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
This global outage sounds like I’m finally getting the y2k bug I was promised as a child
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.
The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.