Impossible to find a better word than hyperbole.
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Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
The saddest part of nuking my old account is losing a thread I live tweeted on a flight during which the couple next to me got in a fight over the guy wanting to wear shorts to a wedding. It was the only time I’ve paid for wifi on a plane bc it turned out the wedding was THEIRS.
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
my HOA sent me a complaint about weeds being in my front yard and they took a picture of me….pulling the weeds…..and sent it to me saying I needed to do something about it ???? omfg
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
was Jim off killing horses or…
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…
Kids: *fighting*
Me: TWO…
Kids: *still fighting*
Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF
Kids: *brawling at this point*
Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
whoever named the meatball absolutely nailed it
I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.