Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.

My grandma sailed on the Titanic.

She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”

Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.

you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”

When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.

I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.

HER: I’m leaving u

ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia

HER: yes

ME:

HER:

ME: did the dog put you up to this

There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”

I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.

FRIEND: Where were you?

ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor

FRIEND: Flu?

ME: Nah, just drove really fast

ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*

Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it

[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]

Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.

Witness: I do.

Me: How do I look in these pants?

I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business

I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”

I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.

I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.

The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.

My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go

Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.

You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.

Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.

All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.

Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.

Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”

Me: “17”

Them: “2017 or….?”

Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”

In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.

I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…

Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”

Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!

Teen: rolls eyes

I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.

[gets pulled over for driving in the HOV lane alone] BEETLEJUICE BEETLEJUICE BEETLEJUICE
[cop walks up] what the heck