Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.

I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.

I kept not finding it. She got angrier.

I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”

Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”

😑

anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened

Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.

Möther may I have a snäck

[supermarket]

Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!

Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*

M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me

M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!

M: *peels a cheddar slice from…

CEO: what’s the store layout

me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions

CEO: ok

me: cigarettes will be right up front

CEO: first of all I love it

After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore

Me: Who ate all the cookies?

5-year-old: Ninjas.

Me: I didn’t see them.

5-year-old: No one ever does.

Checkmate.

Babe, are you today’s date cuz you’re a 1/10

dentist: u need to floss

me: no

dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth

me: really

dentist: in a fistfight

me: that sounds unrelated

dentist: it was my fist. do what i say

A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?

When you’ve been debugging for hours and the issue was a missing semicolon, you appreciate the little things. Also, considering a career in farming.

Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.

I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena

[at Goodwill store]

*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*

My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.

“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.

Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.

Good morning

So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.

The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.

Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.

gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots

My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.

BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?

I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?

People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.

Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.