Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
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Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*
Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.
You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?
2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.
[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.