Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
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Muppet Screams
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!
ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on
“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
“playing devil’s advocate” should cause explosive diarrhea 1 out of every 5 times someone (your coworker) says it
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
With a text.
Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
No fruit flies.
No fruit flies.
No fruit flies.[buys a single banana]
87,000,000 fruit flies.
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother