Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
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I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
*Me at a fitness consult
Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
“C’mon… Get better…”
– Me poking reality with a stick
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”
psycho uses a TON of central framing and its making me so mad because you just KNOW that alfred hitchc*ck was doing it for the sake of tik tok video clips
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
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“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
Do furries go to doctors or vets?