Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
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Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
Dr. Pepper just unseated Pepsi as the second most popular soda in America.
Don’t tell me that getting your PhD isn’t worth it.
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.
Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?
*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
Bro is the definition of a new yorker 😭 😭
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
This weekend, I’m taking an Uber to visit my parents, and then tipping extra so the driver does the visiting for me while I wait in the car. With the savings on my therapy bill, it should all balance out.
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.