@BasicLyes

Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.

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@oigoabuya

1980s : average parent ; 4 kids

2016: average kid ; 4 parents

@thenatewolf

Mechanic: you need a new carburetor

Me: you can call it a buretor, I know lots about cars, I’m like you

@dave_cactus

ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.

@caithuls

INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?

ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal

@Glennot73

kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card

*takes card*

kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?

no

is this your card ?

no

*27 cards later* is this your card ?

no…

@mrjohndarby

wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something

@

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@causticbob

Why does Batman wear a mask?

Because the citizens of Gotham aren’t morons, like those idiots over in Metropolis.

@Pundamentalism

WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS

Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die

@CMFC99

My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.