@Vhalechark
[In bed]
Me: baby, I’m gonna make you groan
Her: you mean moan
Me: *about to tell an awful joke* I do not
@BasicLyes
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
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@Vhalechark
@KevinFarzad
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
@BullenRoss
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
@DanMentos
“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
@sbellelauren
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
@disa_panda
Her: What did you do for fun in college?
Me [remembers organizing 10,000 baseball cards in order of career batting average]: had sex, got high
@W0nderW0manW0w
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
@recursivetaco
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
@MarfSalvador
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
@ChickenFrecklez
Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.