@BasicLyes

Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.

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@Vhalechark

[In bed]

Me: baby, I’m gonna make you groan

Her: you mean moan

Me: *about to tell an awful joke* I do not

@KevinFarzad

To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.

@BullenRoss

DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.

@DanMentos

“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”

@sbellelauren

remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza

@disa_panda

Her: What did you do for fun in college?

Me [remembers organizing 10,000 baseball cards in order of career batting average]: had sex, got high

@recursivetaco

[getting a ride home]

Me: ok keep going straight here

Train engineer: stop saying that

@MarfSalvador

[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!

me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats

@ChickenFrecklez

Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.