1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
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Mechanic: you need a new carburetor
Me: you can call it a buretor, I know lots about cars, I’m like you
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
is this your card ?
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
Why does Batman wear a mask?
Because the citizens of Gotham aren’t morons, like those idiots over in Metropolis.
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.