Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
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I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me:
Reminder:
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
