Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
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*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
[while house is on fire]
Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.
Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?
F: but the house is on fire.
Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized
Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?
*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*
Me: No
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style