Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
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Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
*outside my house*
– Don’t let them know you have Clifford
– Hey you must really like red your whole first floor is red, and barks?
SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best!
[Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
This is an example of the shit I text my kid. I know, I know. Mom of the Year material right here.
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
All I’m saying is that if your name is Shannon, and you name your daughter after yourself, you better name her Shannonagain.
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
You know how glaciers move around a tiny bit each year? That’s me. I do that. I’m the guy who pushes the glaciers.