@anerdonfire2

Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.

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@chuuew

Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.

@IAmKashWah

*outside my house*
– Don’t let them know you have Clifford
– Hey you must really like red your whole first floor is red, and barks?
– Damn

@ArfMeasures

SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best!

[Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea

@viciousbabydoll

This is an example of the shit I text my kid. I know, I know. Mom of the Year material right here.

@mikeym00n

I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!

@SkippyMcGizzard

All I’m saying is that if your name is Shannon, and you name your daughter after yourself, you better name her Shannonagain.

@HavocMantis

You know how glaciers move around a tiny bit each year? That’s me. I do that. I’m the guy who pushes the glaciers.