Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.

It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face

[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]

Me : Can I have my robe back, please?

Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad

haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day

Sorry I slowed down but I had to calculate if the bridge could hold the weight of my car with all the stuffed animals my kids insisted on bringing on vacation

I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.

“single and ready to mingle”

thank you so much for the warning

Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.

Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.

Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.

Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive

Me: can I just text them

When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question

I know this now

I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.

My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.

I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.

i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible

Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,

Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.

Dear Kelloggs,

Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.

Sincerely,
Tired parents

I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.

Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.

I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid

If Amazon had a dating app:

You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in

You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body

mugger: how much you got

me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar

My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN

Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.

If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.