Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.

Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!

Him: …

Me: …

Him: …

Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-

Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside

if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.

i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that

Another day another dollar.
~ World’s slowest counterfeiter

[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.

[buried under a pile of geese]

Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.

Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.

Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.

Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!

They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.

Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.

6 month old baby: ……..

I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.

me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar

{ 15 years later }

me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence

Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?

Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –

Son: Mom!

In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:

“You did the best you could.”

:/

just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it

~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us

I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.

My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him

What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?

I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.

cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees

Brain: You need sleep.

Brain: You need sleep.

Brain: You need sleep.

Brain: You need sleep.

Me: *lies down to sleep*

Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.

went fishing caught a bass

A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.

Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed. 

Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!

My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this

*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*

Wife: WHERE IS THE PACK OF HERSHEY BARS I WAS GOING TO USE FOR S’MORES

Me [mouth full, face covered in chocolate]: we wer gunna haf smors?!

Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly

Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date

“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.