Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
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My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
My biggest fear is going to prison for something I didn’t do. My second biggest fear? Going to prison for something I DID do
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
dating: Of course I’ll wait until 8 to eat with you, handsome.
married: If you’re not home by 6, I’ll eat your dinner, too
Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
I thought I was being chased by a werewolf but turns out it was just my cousin Tony from jersey
Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*