Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.

A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday

I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary

Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.

my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat

2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*

Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?

the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson

I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.

“Describe your last relationship.”

Tired: like two ships passing in the night.

Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.

My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.

“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”

When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.

Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?

[ first date ]

her: i like a man who plans financially for the future

me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later

Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today

I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car

Absolutely no one

Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….

I put the I in Insufferable.

my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”

Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.

Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.

When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!

[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?

Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.

My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.

I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.

“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP

My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.

3: I know what’s keeping me awake

Me: What?

3: The air

Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix

Ancient wolves be like:

Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.

I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.

Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.