Remember, you need to binge all of #TheOtherTwo before seeing “Avengers Endgame” this weekend or it won’t make any sense.
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
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[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack
“I missed you so much!” I shout as I run past my wife’s open arms and jump into my bed.
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
I hope this guy at the urinal next to me can see that I’m checking Twitter and not taking pictures.
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
My standards are so high they just recorded a reggae song.
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?nnSo sad. Really.
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.