@SentenceReduced

Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.

You Might Also Like

@imchriskelly

Remember, you need to binge all of #TheOtherTwo before seeing “Avengers Endgame” this weekend or it won’t make any sense.

@squirrel74wkgn

[at the club]

Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in

Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)

Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack

@hazelmotes1

“I missed you so much!” I shout as I run past my wife’s open arms and jump into my bed.

@KeetPotato

drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”

@NinjaFuneral

I hope this guy at the urinal next to me can see that I’m checking Twitter and not taking pictures.

@patrickmarkryan

If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet

@The_Sculptress

Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?nnSo sad. Really.

@jordan_stratton

DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.