Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
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Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*
Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”
7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”
Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”
7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus