impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
Follow me for more life hacks.
ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
GENIE: DAMMIT
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
Gallant is a goddamn psychopath.
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.
There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geeseGuess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.
