Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
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I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”
A big dipper? in this astronomy?
cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
John Krasinski is People’s Sexiest Man Alive for 2024.
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
They say too much sex causes memory loss.
I read this in a medical journal, on Tuesday, December 4th, 1995, at 2:45, in my doctor’s office. The man sitting next to me had dark hair, was wearing a blue shirt, and had a scar on his hand.
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty