Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
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*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41mGroundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.