impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
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A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
People must think I’m a comforting presence because I often hear “Security!” wherever I go.
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”
Seems like it would be really tough being a girl named Molly at a rave.
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
Admittedly, this is an incredible comeback.
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
i choose….tongue
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.