impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
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i wonder if hootie ever experimented with other kinds of fish
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
I used to think popcorn poppers were only good for making popcorn. How right I was!
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.