Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.

You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.

me: one taco plz

“Bro, this is Subway”

me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz

If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?

Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.

Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..

Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?

Me: Um…

PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?

Me: My —

PS: Tummy tuck?

Me: (looking down)

PS: Breast augmentation?

Me: What’s wrong with my —

PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?

Me: (bursts into tears)

I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.

Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?

Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.

Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps

[sending smoke signals]

*your*

*house*

*is*

*on*

*fire*

Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”

Me: *dies alone

I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.

boss: you’re late

me: and you are not the father

A devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other and they’re both equally responsible for me failing my maneuverability test

You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.

Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.

When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.

Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join

Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling

Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang

Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.

If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you

My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.

H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!

5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.

Thinking of having kids?

Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.

You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.

“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”

I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead

It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”