Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mayor of a small town is such a wild job. It’s like being the president of a country where you went to high school with the whole population.

My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.

They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.

This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.

“Don’t take this the wrong way”

Translation: Prepare for insult.

Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.

[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die

*I walk in*

ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone

Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good

How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.

We’re gonna party like its 1999.

//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//

mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey

4 year old has a new bit where he pretends to have a fatal scooter accident. it’s very funny but the other patrons of the farmer’s market seemed alarmed

Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:

*walks into Best Buy*

*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”

I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con

My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.

Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.

Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.

I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow

My daughter has been super nice lately and encouraging me to take naps so I can rest and I just discovered that while I’ve been doing that she’s been slowly decimating my secret candy stash

Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?

Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.

I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.

STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.

DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.

Dog 911: what’s ur emer-

Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME

Dog 911: so?

Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE

Dog 911: OMG

Dog: OMG

I’ve just seen someone in a twitter thread drama respond

‘I’m not reading all that you parcel’

and why are commonplace words used as insults just so fucking funny and so much more devastating than anything else you could spend ten minutes of your life trying to choose

we don’t understand the earliest recorded jokes from ancient mesopotamia because we lack necessary context. what if there’s a guy in 4,000 years like “my theory is they had specially trained shrimp that did all of the rice frying”

Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.

Gross negligence implies the existence of tasteful negligence

one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video

“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.

You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”