Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
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HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
synchronized noseblowing
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
Did you know that cows kill more people than sharks?
I’m surprised that cows kill any sharks at all.
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.