Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
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I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
Harsh but fair
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
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Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
Is this the real life?
Is this just
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.
DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.
ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
Welcome to adulthood: you’re always sleepy unless you’re trying to get to sleep
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space