Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”

Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.

what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”

Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…

[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]

“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”

– my husband right now, probably

My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.

[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.

Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for Twitter

Will it be

Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?

Be prepared

Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.

Just found $27 in my washing machine, it’s a bad day to be an Applebees happy hour

SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have

SCOOBY DOO: rabies

SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant

My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.

I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”

News: Gas shortage

Me: Haha

News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage

Me: NO

[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*

Me: oh shit

Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*

[From Basement]: Oh shit

Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.

I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.

When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.

One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.

If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…

My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.

Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”

I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.

*Mom makes me take out the garbage*

*Garbage and I begin to date*

*I start taking things too fast*

*Garbage dumps me*

The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.

A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”

Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!

Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!

I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.