*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
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My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!
The single bravest thing you can do over 40, is go somewhere in the cold with a full bladder
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please