Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.

Hear me out: his and hers houses.

So why is it that when Star Trek ‘boldly go where no one has gone before’ they always find someone there?

Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader

If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.

Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.

ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS

PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die

I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.

I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless

i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere

*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*

*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*

We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji

Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.

Rascals! #txt

[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady

*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*

*I pretend to catch it*

*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*

“Grow up Karen”

I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.

Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride

Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.

My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….

Flirting is easy!

[First day as a mortician]

Me: Anybody seen my grapes?

[Later]

Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird

[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work

Croutons feel like an apology. “Sorry we gave you salad. Have some consolation toast.”

Me (seductively looking at a potato): would mash.

My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.

Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.

ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods

product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open

ceo: lol no

Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country

A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza

“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players

My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.