In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
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No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
trivia
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
Breaking news:
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”