In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
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Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
I don’t need a participation trophy. I don’t want anyone to know that I was here.
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
My dog: PLAY WITH ME!
Me: *grabs toy*
My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
TSA agent: is…this a…cattle prod?
Me: it’s for the wankers who crowd the baggage carousel
TSA agent: oh right then. go ahead
Me sliding into hell like
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
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