Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich

hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird

Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.

Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?

I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.

I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.

Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II

her: *texts something funny*

me: *types hahahahaha*

*stares at it*

*deletes one ha*

I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.

Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox

Wife: Aw that’s nice

[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich

I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.

Me: I should sleep.

Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.

Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.

Wall-E is probably the most human love story of all: little gremlin man that collects cool shit meets shiny lady that wants him to have more plants.

I’d rather fork than spoon.

Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.

Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.

Someone stole the C and L off my work besties door, which I guess was probably pretty predictable in hindsight…

[Eating]

Waiter: How’s the meal?

Me: I dunno. Let me check

*pulls out phone

Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram

Waiter: …

Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.

doctor: the bad news is you’re dying

me: so there’s good news?

doctor: not for you, no

turning my gender off to conserve energy

let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish

Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.

Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero

PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?

SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.

Other than that, Mrs. Gloop, how was the chocolate factory?

“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands

During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.

I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.

My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions

I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.