In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
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Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
My Niece was just born in japan and got the Japanese Citizenship!
She’s now Japaniece!
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
bought wrong eggs
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie
me: sure
[at her place]
her: *waiting for me to make a move*
me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.
Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.