In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
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if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
Airports should have tattoo parlors for those of us with long layovers and poor impulse control
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
how much for the angry fruit?
Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
Wicked Witch: “I’ll get you and your little dog too!”
Toto: “Da f**k I do?”
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
accidentally became important at work n its ruining my life
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
These kids today have it made. When I was growing up and there was a natural disaster, we’d have to go outside and spread our misinformation in person.
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
(my date twirling her hair)
“Can I use your bathroom quick?”
Absolutely, gorgeous.
*hears the longest fart ever as she closes the door*
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*