In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
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Laser tag makes me realize how quickly I will die in the laser wars
My 10 y/o daughter refused to eat the oatmeal I made her because it “tastes like wet cardboard” so I tried to be funny and asked her how she would know what wet cardboard tastes like.
10: Don’t ask. The pandemic was hard on all of us.
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
today my coworker unknowingly told Zooey Deschanel that she “looks like Zooey Deschanel but older” ⚰️
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?
First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
Yes, but it was never about money
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop