In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
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*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
Joke’s on them; I DIDN’T make my bed and I’m STILL gonna lie in it!
WestJet is cancelling flights ahead of the long weekend due to a strike notice. Said Air Canada “pffft, they’re giving a REASON? Amateurs”.
Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
Not to expose myself for being dumb—but the vet told me my dog had a spot that might be a melanoma and the first words out of my mouth were “oh that does run in our family.” Like, I really forgot for a sec that I did not give birth to her.
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
Forrest Gump is a haunting film about how long you have to wait for a bus in America
#parenting
Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay