Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.

Me: The door’s locked

Salt: Push it

Me: It’s locked

Pepa: Push it

Me: That won’t work, think of something else

Salt:

Pepa:

Salt:

Pepa:

Both: Push it real good?

Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.

– a short history of responsibility

On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.

“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”

Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help

“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”

a kindergarten class was at the library on a field trip along with the normal morning baby/toddler crowd and i looked over to see some kids petting one of the babies on the head like a dog. the teacher was like “that’s not your baby!!! leave that baby alone!!!”

me: aren’t you too old for a high chair

lifeguard: please go away

Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.

Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.

Me: I said handstandwich!

None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.

Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship

Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.

If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.

I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.

If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.

Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.

The good ones are already taken.

Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentator

Pfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand

Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope

If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering

[months from now]

CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside

Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?

A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse

Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?

3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!

Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*

Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…

Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af

I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.

One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.

I think about that a lot.

Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!

The grocery store accidentally included chlorine tablets in our order, we don’t have a pool so I guess the kids are getting extra clean in the bath tonight

Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked

Most intimate spam text i’ve ever received