In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
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“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
[operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no