Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs

Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.

My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.

ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man

ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*

Anarchy

my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far

My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions

I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon

(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*

(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*

I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again

Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.

Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”

My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”

[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*

Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.

Why can’t opportunity just leave itself on my doorstep and send me a photo

me: dating is hard

me on a date: convicted rainbows go to prisms but it’s usually a light sentence

The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.

Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.

So UBER is not a dating app?

*sigh*

I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.

that’s probably the last firework my neighbor has

Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.

The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.

No surprise that a third place is with relationships.

Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.

Me: Uhhh

F: Really into Craft Beer.

Me:

F: He has a podcast.

Me: That’s every man I know.

My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”

Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.

Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.

Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.

I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.

hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol