In 1949 a US senator attempted to ban popcorn in cinemas. During a Senate hearing about it, another senator handed out free popcorn. The law was never passed.
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My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
iron man: it’s not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!
*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.