Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?

me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed

GF: it’s ok lol

[middle of the night]

me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana

me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him

St. Peter: then what happened

me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”

Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME

Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow

When I can’t barge, I careen.

Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?

“are they real” i mean yeah they’re right there

So many cheeses would work as baby names:

Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat

Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!

I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.

If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.

Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*

Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!

A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?

John Cougar Melon Camp

She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating site

But soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.

I just need a shovel and a good alibi.

me: I’ll take this goth pear

cashier: that’s an avocado

People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.

Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert

“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)

Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.

If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…

Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.

Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.

Him: I like bad girls.

Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.

Him:

Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.

“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”

shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit

hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here

Average Home Depot experience: 19 year old needs to page the store manager to ask which aisle the light bulbs are in

Average Ace Hardware experience: 79 year old walks you through every aisle of the store and after 4 hours you know how to build a house from the ground up