Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do

guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.

guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.

I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.

-“I’m 21.”

Omg eww, get away from me!

ME: [gets into a car accident]

EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives

I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.

Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger

[Before 9 was invented]

7: damn I’m hungry

[first day at the cia]

me: where’s the chandelier

boss: what chandelier

me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶

boss: that’s sia

me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here

“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???

Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.

Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.

MGM lion got me again. nearly threw my popcorn across the room

Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit

hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this

me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that

Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.

Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.

Exec: *under breath* whoa

yo LA chill out with your restaurant names

I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.

I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.

*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*

Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.

Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.

bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies

The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.

“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes

England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.

Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work

I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.

ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?

NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not

ME: I’m getting to that

[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]

A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.