Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.

Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim

Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.

Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money

I hate when people can’t let go of the past.

Debt collectors are the worst.

You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.

George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.

Me: guess who I bumped into at the store

My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone

[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust

[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO

What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Squash

me: this glass is too small

bartender: would you prefer a tumbler

me: yes

acrobat: what can I get you

What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you

My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.

Thank Satan it’s Monday.

Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.

Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.

Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.

The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.

I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is

I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.

I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.

Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.

Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.

My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.

I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.

I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.

Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?

Me: garden hose is fine thanks

GENIE: You have three wishes.

ME: I wish I had a million dollars.

GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.

I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.

Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP