In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms

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Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.


How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?



I had a one night stand yesterday..but then today I decided to return it to ikea


[first day as undercover cop]

me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines



cop: [bangs on door] “open up, its the police”
me: [flushing snickers multi-packs i sell individually down toilet] “two seconds”


“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”

-Families making Christmas plans in 2020


[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no