Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine

[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]

7 year old: how does he still have a job?

-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.

wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants

All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.

[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?

Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that

I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.

For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.

[Shopping for Deodorant]

I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.

The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.

*me, absentmindedly patting my youngest child on the head as I walk by*

Him: Mom, stop using my hair as a paper towel!

On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.

“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”

After cooking show a dishwashing show with same host but kind of drunk.

ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately

FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor

ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome

pro parenting tip: reach your weekly fitness goals by giving your Fitbit to your 9yo for an hour.

Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”

Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~

*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*

Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”

Client: “Oh I don’t have one”

Me *blinking intensely*

Explaining hardcore to my sister:
“Some bands yell their own name in the song and it goes SO HARD.”
My sister: “Like, ‘Shakira, Shakira?'”

I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor

Me: *wakes up sobbing*

Him: Again??

Me: I’m just so terrified…

Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”

Me: I know… I know.

[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late

wife: have you seen the dog bowl?

me: *imagining it* no but I want to

Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired

Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]

Hipster: I’ll take 4

Computer: would you like to update?

Me: remind me tomorrow

[tomorrow]

Me: I did not see this coming

(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)

Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”

Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.

ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it

ME: this isn’t curing anything

SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds

ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it

Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.

JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit