In 1978 my grandad tried to get a petition going to change the name of orcas to ‘seabras’ so the government made it illegal for him to ever talk about animals again.
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[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
I always listen to podcasts while I’m cleaning my house. Even the dullest chore can be enjoyable if you clean your house at the same time.
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
My doctor told me “good luck” and gave me finger guns so obviously I’m dying
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
I’ve tried being less handsome but it’s like stapling water to a tree…impossible
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
