In 1978 my grandad tried to get a petition going to change the name of orcas to ‘seabras’ so the government made it illegal for him to ever talk about animals again.
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COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!
ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.