Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*

~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé

The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.

Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!

The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.

Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.

Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming

I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.

I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.

“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”

well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that

If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.

Fixed this for Shakespeare

95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it

Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.

friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener

me: here, give me your lighter

friend: ok

me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener

I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank

Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?

Pac-Man: *deep breath*

Valentine’s Day tip for the men:

If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.

You’re welcome

Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.

Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear

The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”

[Outside liquor store]

Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?

Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.

My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.

I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.

Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..

Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.

Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle

Friend: Don’t you mean angel?

M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180

My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420

My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.

Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.