In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
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My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
LOAN OFFICER: Sign here…
ME: *signs*
LO: And, here.
ME: *signs*
LO: Down payment, please.
ME: Here you go.
LO: You want road hazard insurance?
ME: Yes, please.
LO: Sign here.
ME: *signs* Is that it?
LO: Yes, the barista will call your name when the order’s ready.
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers