In 1987, an American weapons manufacturing employee joked to his boss that he had sold secrets to the Daleks. The boss reported the employee and the matter reached the FBI, where the investigation stopped after someone explained who the Daleks were.
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My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
A man of commitment.
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
hey can I use your bathroom?
cashier: only paying customers
jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS