In 1987, an American weapons manufacturing employee joked to his boss that he had sold secrets to the Daleks. The boss reported the employee and the matter reached the FBI, where the investigation stopped after someone explained who the Daleks were.
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Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
Watching a movie on the plane? No thanks. Watching my seatmate’s movie with no audio and not understanding what’s going on for over an hour? Yassss.
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
do not bother me while I am eating my tacos and drinking my oversized margarita or I will become feral and add you to my taco meats
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
I was getting my mail today and my neighbor asked me if I was gay and I was like “what?” He said he was only asking because of my rainbow lanyard and I was like “oh no it’s much weirder than that.”
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
I will not defend the unsettling texture of my chili to you or anyone, madam.
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”
[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
Does anyone know if I can use a lawnmower to get snow and ice off my driveway?
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
Me: I’ve always wanted to stare at someone from across the street then disappear when a bus passes
Interviewer: I meant more like “professional goals”
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
