In 1987, an American weapons manufacturing employee joked to his boss that he had sold secrets to the Daleks. The boss reported the employee and the matter reached the FBI, where the investigation stopped after someone explained who the Daleks were.
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this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
Let us remember him by his own last words: “Homemade jetpack, don’t fail me now.”
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
Mountain Goat : )
WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.
[later at the dinner party]
ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?
Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…