In 1991 my Dad bought a whole frozen doner kebab meat cylinder off a bloke in the pub, which almost ended my parent’s marriage x
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Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.