In 1991 my Dad bought a whole frozen doner kebab meat cylinder off a bloke in the pub, which almost ended my parent’s marriage x
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HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.
Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*
Spider: noooooooooo
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT
My therapist always starts our session with “How are you?” and I always say “I’m good!” and then spend the next hour talking about how I am decidedly Not Good.
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.