Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department

Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left

The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink

My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.

Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.

Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids

I found out my girlfriend was really a ghost

I suspected so, the moment she walked through the door

Saturday

Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?

Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*

I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.

Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.

The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.

Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat

Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?

Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets

STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves

Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.

me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?

them: you don’t work here

me: i know it was really tough getting past security

I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.

I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.

*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”

Sophomore year I called my mom excited to tell her I had declared my majors. Me: “I’m gonna double major in drama & sociology” Her: “Drama & sociology?! Whatcha gonna do with THAT ACT LIKE YOU’RE HELPING PEOPLE” 🤷🏾‍♀️😂

Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.

“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”

I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night

Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk

My 4yo niece: do you have a girlfriend?
Me: no
Niece: a boyfriend?
Me: no
[pause]

Niece: do you have a friend?

Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief

I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.

It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.

My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.

Me too, I replied.

You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.