Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?

God: you’re a garter snake.

Garter Snake: I’m a snek?

God: no you’re a snake.

Garter Snake: I’m a snek!

God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.

Garter Snake:

God:

Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?

Kid: Where do babies come from?

Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.

Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?

Me: When a man and a woman…

I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.

Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.

Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.

[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY

[Zoo, bird show]

“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”

*bird headbutts window 50 times*

[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]

Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.

My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that

To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !

I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.

If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.

“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”

I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.

*stirs coffee with knife*

*licks knife*

“Let’s do this”

*wakes kids for school*

I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings

My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.

Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers

My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table

Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away

WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?

ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ

I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.

Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.

For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”

You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees

Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread

Seal:

me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol

[later]

Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before

Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.

An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.