Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue

I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.

Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.

I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking

Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good

Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?

Watching my husband try to get off the phone with “talkers”is like watching a fly trapped in our house, desperately trying to escape but repeatedly bumping into a closed window.

If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.

Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.

What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?

DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-

ME: Launchpad McQuack

HIM: I don’t think you underst-

ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏

How do you make a cat stand completely still?
Press paws.

Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”

Me: “Bet.”

Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah

Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.

too many types of pasta. I can say my fav is flincharoni and not one of you can be sure if it’s real. look at you googling it.

I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.

40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant

Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.

The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing

“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.

Two things you need to know about me:

1. I am hung over.

2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.

Me, today: don’t text and drive

Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*

Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.

5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.

me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do

barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!

me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.

could’ve been anyone

Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*

Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!

Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.

1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.

2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.

3. Death is an added advantage.