In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
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me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
<—- homeless romantic
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
[building on fire]
ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary
CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday
ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this