In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
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“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
Me: So after this Imma call you my stentist.
Cardiologist: Ok so no surgery for you.
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
Great Canadian literature.
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]