In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
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Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
When ur friends with white people
People at the beach are acting like they’ve never seen someone push a little kid out of the way while sprinting to an ice cream truck.
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
A duv-egg? In this economy?
Yes autocomplete I did intend to say “icing on the cat.”
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
The internet is magic sometimes.
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]