Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.

“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?

awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february

My 8yo made breakfast* for himself and his younger brother, and I’m so proud

*opened popsicles

This is Teddy. He has been on a Himalayan retreat for the past 6 months and requests to be caught up on the state of the world. 14/10 this could take a while Teddy #SeniorPupSaturday

Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.

*walks up with my full head of mongooses*

Medusa: Let’s rock.

Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.

Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up

70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.

I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.

I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.

interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure

vanilla ice: *squinting* no

I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it

MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE

Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.

hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?

me: hell yeah

girl: how about your address?

me: oh for sure, come by

girl: and your mother’s maiden name?

me: wait what

I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!

[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?

Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)

It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today

I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.

A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.

*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring

When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*

Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful

Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!

Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense

My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.

Boss: Did you get my email?

Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.

Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.

my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*