@_davidlucas_

In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.

~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.

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@garrettn

I’d like to apologize…

To anyone I have not offended.

I’ll be with you momentarily.

@ObscureGent

Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?

@Marcmywords2

Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.

Good times!

@XplodingUnicorn

4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.

Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.

4: Want to trade?

@TheTweetOfGod

I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup

@OctopusCaveman

Genie: You get 3 wishes

Me: I wish you were terrible at math

Genie: You only have 14 more wishes

@joejwest

RAFIKI: [lifts Simba over head on Pride Rock]
SIMBA: Put me down I am 32 years old

@Miss_Firefly_

My mind is exceptionally quiet…. I’m suspicious that I’m up to something i dont want myself to know about.

@BiIIMurray

I read that burglars use Twitter & Facebook to see when people arent home. So from now on, Im at home. With a rifle. And a hungry crocodile.