I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
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Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
*repeatedly uses air quotes while giving your wedding toast*
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
RAFIKI: [lifts Simba over head on Pride Rock]
SIMBA: Put me down I am 32 years old
My mind is exceptionally quiet…. I’m suspicious that I’m up to something i dont want myself to know about.
I read that burglars use Twitter & Facebook to see when people arent home. So from now on, Im at home. With a rifle. And a hungry crocodile.